My post for Easter 2011 got a little too lengthy so I decided to break it into two. It was a rough emotional Sunday for me. I am nearing the end of my pregnancy which always means emotional breakdowns for me (3-4 weeks left)! I can't sleep, everything I eat causes heart burn, my maternity clothes are starting to not fit, I have gained more weight this pregnancy than ever before (and I have to lose it all again, UGH), and I just want to be done with this! I also was having a hard day with Rysa and knowing how to deal and parent her and had frustrations with Cris that were menial and ridiculous, but it all added on top of each other and made for a trying morning.
After all this, I went to Sacrament hoping and wishing for a way out of the rest of church. Maybe a sudden onset of nausea, hunger, exhaustion, anything, but Heavenly Father knew what I needed and I had no excuse to leave.
I dropped Rysa off in nursery and she had a melt down. She hasn't had a meltdown in ages but it was just one of those days. I stood in the hall and just sat there, wondering how I am going to handle 3 kids. I am still terrified, I don't know how I am going to do it. When I went to Sunday School I was fine, Cris put his arm around me, and asked me if I was ok. I was ok. I was fine, but the fact that he cared, he could tell I was struggling, I broke down and the tears started coming. As we sat through the lesson the Spirit calmed my nerves. I still felt fat, I still felt worthless and like a failure. I still felt overwhelmed, but I knew it was all from Satan and that the feelings would subside. I was much calmer and it allowed me to have the ability to listen during the Relief Society lesson, and that is where the Spirit really testified to me that day.
The thing that amazes me the most and has built a stronger testimony in me is how amazing our Heavenly Father is. He knew and knows exactly what we need, when we need it. He had a lesson prepared ahead of time, a topic chosen months in advance, prepared days to weeks in advance, that I needed to hear at that very moment! He KNOWS me, He LOVES me, and He KNOWS what I need.
The lesson was on President Monson's talk from October 2010 "The Divine Gift of Gratitude". This Easter Sunday I was focusing on everything I wasn't, everything I didn't have, everything I couldn't be, and here was this lesson prepared to turn me around and focus on everything I was, everything I have, and everything that I can be!
We were asked to write down a few things we were grateful for before the lesson was really given. A few I jotted down were:
-- Cris knowing when I am not ok and being willing to love and listen to me
-- My Children and the love they give and show me
-- Heavenly Father for loving me for who I am inside and helping me to realize I am not the person Satan wants me to think that I am.
The last one was the one I needed the most. I may be over weight. I may have gained back nearly all the weight I lost last year, I may not have the most fashionable clothes or awesome hair. I may not have a million friends in my area and feel like a loser a lot of the time but those things don't define me! I am grateful for who I am. I know I can and will lose the weight again. In 3 weeks I will be able to go buy me some new summer like clothes to feel better. I will have a beautiful little boy to help me relish in all my joys. I am a kind person. I have two of the BEST children, even when they are trying, hard, difficult, and everything in between. When they are those things, moments later they are coming up to me, giving me hugs, telling me how wonderful and beautiful I am. I still feel fat, I still am overwhelmed, and I am still terrified of what these next 3 weeks will bring, and even the next few months, but I know Heavenly Father loves me and knows what I need, when I need it!
Learning to deal with the Lord's timing and not my own has been a trying experience these last few months. I am looking forward to between May 17th and May 24th when this little no name guy makes his debut. I am looking forward to things that can't be mentioned in the public eye (if you wanna know, message me but life will be changing, just some can't know about it), I just wish those things would happen NOW, not a few months or longer down the road. I want everything to work out when I want it to work out and I am learning very quickly that WHEN I WANT doesn't matter because Heavenly Father knows what and when I need certain things in my life and for that, I am grateful!